What shall I find peace in if it is not found in myself? What shall I find worth in if I value what is not mine? Do I want my treasure to be built by the hand of another man or by my heart and soul? Will I give my life to Christ for an eternity of honor? I must search my soul and find what it is that I value and most desire. Who do I want to shape my heart, mind and soul?
As we begin our search for happiness we must first look back before we can proceed forward. We must release the grip our parents, friends, society and church have on us. By doing so we take responsibility for ourselves. For when we play “follow-the-leader” our self esteems become trapped and we are unable to become all we are meant to be.
I would like to begin with sharing a little of myself with you. My journey began one morning when I awoke to find that the world in which I lived had been shattered and the God I believed in no longer seemed present. From that day on there was little happiness in life. Everyday became just a motion. I spent my days in fantasy and my nights dreaming of when everything would change for the better. I was not sure when this miraculous change would take place, but I’d hope it would happen soon.
Little did I know, that the time, that was just beginning six long years of loneliness and pain. Every day I would look at myself in the mirror and wonder where that person was I loved so much. What happened to me? Who was Jennifer M. and why did I exist? These were all important questions, questions neither I nor anyone else could answer. Even if someone could have given me the answer at the time it would not have mattered because the only true answer was inside me and I held the key to releasing it.
Not knowing who I was is one thing, but on top of that part of me began to question whether or not God really existed. I wanted so much to believe that He did that I would be the first to defend Him when others questioned Him. If He existed, however, I was sure He put me on this earth to watch me suffer. Somewhere along the way I learned God was one of rules and punishment. So each morning I would wake up and begin my performance, which left me dead inside. Little by little, day by day, my spirit dwindled.
By the time I graduated from high school I had no direction in my life whatsoever. When I was in school the direction was set for me. You pass one grade and move to the next. Everything was familiar and , therefore, felt secure. There was no unknown, so it seemed. When I graduated the unknown hit me like a rock in the face. Not only did I have to figure out who I was and who God was, but I also had to figure out where I was heading.
I enrolled in college. I did not know why, except it seemed like it was the “right thing” to do. Fall quarter rolled around and I attended my first quarter of college expecting it somehow to change my life for the better. But nothing in my life changed. It just continued to worsen. With the second the fear of failing overwhelmed me and halfway through I dropped out. Stepping back was easier than trying to proceed.
After evaluating my choices, I decided a full-time job would be the answer to all my
problems. This would give me enough money to have the freedom to buy whatever I wanted. When I started my full-time job I immediately put into practice something I had mastered all my life: pleasing other people. Pleasing myself was a concept I still couldn’t grasp. Then I was hit with the reality of eight-hour days and working with people who were more miserable than I was. I was not making a difference in anyone’s life, not even my own. I was in a major state of regression: not moving forward but backward.
I never knew how to enjoy life because I was always too busy looking to the future dreaming of when I would grow up and be happy. Then one day I realized my dreams had caught up with me. I was grown up. Growing up was not what I had expected. The future did not bringing me happiness and it never would. Only I could do that.
The pain hit me when I realized I had to change. What a wake-up call that was. All my life I had assumed I was the poster child for normality and everything revolved around me. If something didn’t work someone else needed to fix it – not me. If something need to be adjusted it certainly wasn’t me but the other guy. After years of the other guy’s attitude being adjusted and it failing to do anything for my happiness I acknowledged that a change needed to be made. This meant I would have to step out of the comfort zone and face things I never wanted to see.
So, it began. Before I could determine where God fit in my life, I first had to deal with the problems I had let build up inside of me so long. I couldn’t love Him if I did not love myself. So I started what turned out to be a nice months of counseling and several years of digging into the past. As I started to get to know myself I realized it was time to get to know God. I know I had a long journey ahead of me and I needed a dependable guide.
It was rather late one night when I decided to tell God exactly what I thought of Him. How dare He leave me alone all those years. I spend most of the night crying and begging for answers. The answers didn’t come in my time, but in His. When I woke up the next morning I was filled with peacefulness. It was my turn to listen. This is what I heard:
“Jennifer, how little faith you have had in me all these years. I have watched you grow from the time you were in your mother’s womb. I have watched you cry and laugh. And, yes, I have even seen you in despair. Through the years you have forgotten how much you mean to me and how much I love you. You began to take things into your own hands, doubting my judgement. Through all your pain I have been with you. I have never left your side.
When you were three years old you were stung by a bee on the nose.
When you were five you went to mass everyday with your mother. On the alter you would stand with a smile of joy, for you felt my presence.
When you were six years old you wrote letters to me and left them under your pillow. You decorated the envelopes with beautiful birds and the door to heaven.
When you were seven you proclaimed that I created the world just for you and I told you how very right you were.
When you were eight years old you befriended a child of mine. When it was time for him to come home you grieved but understood. You told me to take good car of him, for his life on earth was a life of pain. You called me a gentle God.
When you were nine you went to mass and behind you I sat. You turned to me and gave me the sign of peace and I told you when you grew up you would sing my praises. But you did not recognize me.
When you were ten you joined the choir and sang for joy with the angels.
When you were eleven years old you spoke of me as if I were your best friend. Even when others turned away.
When you were twelve years old the cruelty of your surroundings finally hit you. Your spirit died. Your candle went out. No matter what I did you were blind to my presence.
When you were thirteen you were in a car accident. It was I who sat in the back seat. It was I who whispered in your sister’s ear, prior to the accident, to put your seat belt on. For heaven was not ready for you yet. Earth still needed you.
When you were fourteen years old you joined the high school track team. I was at every meet with you. I was behind you when you ran with my hand on your back pushing you to run with joy.
When you were fifteen your best friend moved away. Afraid I would lose you forever I placed a dozen angels at your side to guide you. With everyday that passed your face sunk till it could no longer hold a smile. As your loneliness and pain grew so did mine. My heart broke.
When you were sixteen you moved to California. Your hopes began to rise. You started to believe in me again and I waited patiently. You made friends fast but still would not compromise your beliefs for anyone.
When you were seventeen you had all the friends you could ever ask for. Then they hurt you deeply. For to understand you was too painful for them. So instead you had to bear the pain. For the first time your heart broke. You felt pain like you had never felt before. You cried out at night to me but you just couldn’t let me in.
When you were eighteen you graduated from high school. You fell into deep despair, questioning yourself and life. With everyday you looked to the future hoping that the next day, next month, or maybe the next year would bring you happiness. You did not understand that each day I created should be enjoyed.
I was there through all your years. I walked behind you, I held your hand. At times I spoke and at times I was silent. You could not love me, for you did not love yourself. As the years passed you ran from me instead of to me. You forgot about the gentle God. He was now a cruel God. You no longer believed the world was created just for you, so you stopped writing me letters and you closed your door to heaven. You no longer went to church with a smile on your face. You no longer felt my presence.
With each pain you felt, it intensified in my heart ten times. For I created you and promised never to forget you. You are my own. I wept each day for your heartache, for there was nothing I could do. Each night I watched over you as you slept. Over the years I have kept harm at arm’s length from you. You are my child. My child of innocence who went astray. But now I am calling you home to live the rest of your life on earth in My presences and My love”
That day I realized the day I lost hope as the day I became a stranger to myself. Years of negative remarks finally caught up with me. Actions of my parents and peers that I never knew affected me began to surface. At the age of twelve I was not ready to look at the damage that had been done, so I buried it inside myself.
God had never abandoned me. He was stolen from me by years of pain. Knowing that He had been there all the time made it easier to make the decision to change. I was able drop my performance and stop trying to be perfect. I decided to let God back into my life and to put all in Hands. This didn’t happen overnight, however, it required and extreme amount of faith and faith was something I had lacked for so long that I wasn’t sure if I really knew what it was.
I also made two more decisions. I decided to continue to look at my childhood and who I was. This would be hard. I wasn’t sure what I would find. But unless I find the damage it will never have a chance to heal. This doesn’t mean my parents deliberately hurt me. My parents like all parents are confronted with their problems to handle. At times the days are too short, relaxation is impossible, and frustration sets in. This is the time when it is easy to forget that certain actions and words damage a child. Yelling at children hinders their ability to progress in life and believe in themselves. We must remember that children are born unto this earth with love to give. They come into the world with the knowledge that they are the lambs of God. They come from a place where there is no emotional or physical abuse. Everything is done with love. So, when children are yelled at, of course their hearts will sink and their faces show fear, for it is something they are not used to. No matter how many times they are yelled at they will never get used to it because it is contrary to what their souls remember as an act of love.
My final decision was to write this book. It was easy to decide but hard to put into action. It was even harder to believe in my ability to do so. So, I decided to add my piece to the big puzzle of life and use the talent God graced me with.
These decisions I have just put into practice and begun to work on. As I write this book I grow and become whole. I will never see perfection, for that is an honor only Christ holds. But I will reach happiness and that is an honor everyone can obtain. I believe God has given each of His children a gift to contribute to the celebration of life. However, if people are hurting and don’t see life as a celebration then they are unable to recognize what that gift is. For it is hard to count one’s blessings when we don’t fully comprehend what those blessings are.
With this book I hope to help guide you back to the Potter. Christ is with us always and know our every move. It is our choice to acknowledge His presence. He wants to be a part of everyday of our lives. I hope this journey find you a window of hope where Christ is part of every dream. So our journey begins.
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