Growing up does not have a time limit. It can happen at any age. Turning eighteen, getting married, or bringing a child into this world does not automatically make us grown-up and it certainly doesn’t mean we possess all the answers. But this is all right because what children need more than answers is to be listened to and understood.
Understanding and listening plays a key role in the growth of a child. Children need to feel accepted for who they are. How a parent reacts to a child’s actions shows them whether they will accept and love them for who they are. Without acceptance a part of their security is taken away. They are being told non-verbally that they don’t matter. For every inch of security taken away from a child they will have to give a mile to get it back.
It is hard to remember the growing pains of childhood. While we are going through it nothing seems that bad. It is when we look back over our shoulders that we realize what a trial we endured. Then we wonder how we survived. Childhood is like being on a roller coaster without the option of getting off or how fast it will go. We fight from the time we are small to get control over our lives and once we have it we want to give it back.
When we reach grammar school we are thrown in a mixing pot with different kinds of children – children who have been raised with different views and beliefs. Now we must learn to interact with them. When I was in third grade there was a student whom our class outcast at the beginning of the year. It wasn’t because he was mean. It was because he was different. But one child had the courage to stand up and become his friend. She was outcast along with the boy. Instead of giving up she remained nice. Eventually the rest of the class followed her lead. For the remainder of the year the class played together and stood by this boy. That summer he died. We learned he was a victim of child abuse. What he may have been lacking at home I think he may have found at school. He touched the heart of every child in that class and left his mark. When I need direction, I often focus on that point in my life. When I recall the face of that boy I am reminded of gentleness in times of cruelty and celebration in times of despair. He showed us that it is possible to love those that persecute. When it is done the heart is softened and God reigns.
Loneliness in grammar schools is tough on any child. Children cannot pick the parents they are born to or the looks they will be blessed with. However, they can be taught to love the beauty inside themselves and other people. Elementary school has a significant effect on a child’s growth. Their daily activities are not minor compared to the adult world. These day-to-day activities are what mold them into the adults they will soon become.
We grow up so fast and change so quickly that we don’t realize what we are leaving behind until it is gone. One minute we are adorable little children whose problems can be solved by mommy and daddy. The next minute we are at an awkward stage and nothing fits, we are no longer cute, and the problems we have can no longer be solved by our parents, who are no longer mommy and daddy but mom and dad. At this point we begin high school and begin to try to fit into a society our parents are trying to shelter us from. We join sports, student clubs, and other school activities to make ourselves known. But sometimes that is just not enough. Some teenagers change who they are and lose all contact with themselves. Some even go as far as drug abuse and some just go no further. They give up.
Then the day comes, maybe sometime after graduation when you look in the mirror and do not recognize the person you see. You feel completely lost and wonder how to get back to where you use to be. The person you have become is a stranger and the direction in which you are heading is unfamiliar. Maybe you panic and ask for help or just proceed because you cannot face the pain. While trying to push the pain aside you lash out at those you love most.
You don’t love yourself anymore, so it is now time to see if your parents still do. You had to change to be liked and accepted at school. Now you wonder if you will have to change for them. Maybe you have already. It is a test for both yourself and your parents, but most of all it is a cry out for help. You are missing something in life that only another human being can provide, which is an answer to the test, a sign, or maybe just a word of praise that will show you that you are loved just the way you are.
It is important to praise children daily. Parents need to take the time to tell them they are doing a good job, because without that answer, sign, or word of praise they will not have the courage to proceed. It could come from someone else. But what if someone else never comes along? Before a child can start loving their parents and stop lashing out at them they must first learn all over again to love and accept themselves. Some call this “finding themselves,” a term I never believed in until I experienced it firsthand. I spent so many years performing for everyone and acting like someone else that I soon forgot who I was.
What can be done to prevent children from going through this? I don’t believe it can be prevented. You can’t shelter them from the world. But you can provide them with a healthy foundation at a young age that will help them deal with what is going on around and inside of them. With so many changes in their lives sometimes they need something familiar to fall back on. By providing them with a steady foundation you give them a sense of security. They will know, though they are entering a whole different world, that they need not say good-bye to childhood. They are just moving to the bigger playground.
As adults we may lack that foundation, so we must go back and build it ourselves. We have a lot of work ahead of us. Our parents may have not provided us with the means to build a healthy self-esteem, but this does not mean that they were bad parents. A parent cannot provide what they lack themselves. They did not have a foundation to extend to us, for their own was not dependable.
Since we were not given the proper supplies to build a strong foundation, we must go out and find the tools ourselves. We will have to teach ourselves to build a self-esteem. Mistakes will be made along the way and some areas of our lives will have to be rebuilt, but that is all right. We are human, and mistakes are part of life. Just as construction workers have rainy days that hinder their ability to work we will also have ours. But the sun does break through the clouds and the rain eventually disappears.
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