I went to a self-pity party yesterday and of course the only person invited was me. I was tempted to stay and watch the guilt session, but I chose to leave between the self-torture and the “poor me” workshops. Someone threw the ball in my court and I decided to dribble and go for a slam dunk. I wanted to hear the cheers from the “Jenny is a failure” section. But from the other side of the stadium I heard one lone voice saying, “this is not getting you anywhere. When you are finished with your tantrum can we talk?”
Do I listen to the part of me that insists on failing or do I walk forward into progress even though I don’t know where it will lead me? The routine of giving up is easier to face than the unknown. But it’s not just the unknown that stops me dead in my tracks, it is also the awareness. The awareness of the fight that lies ahead and the changes that need to be made cause me at times, to wonder if I was better off in denial. But happiness can’t be found there. Pushing my problems to the back of my head doesn’t make them disappear. In times of uncertainty I must ask myself, was I happier in denial? And the answer is no. I was just oblivious to the extent of my unhappiness.
If it is necessary to dig into the past, tear apart my views, and question my behavior to become healthy than I will endure and continue on this long road. For I know with each turn and with each obstacle I find a part of myself. I may still on occasions attend the pity parties but eventually I will find the invitations won’t come as often. And, the times, when they do come I will know why. They are a sign that it is time to stop and evaluate my progress. I most likely am slacking off in some area. Maybe I am facing a view that needs to be adjusted and I don’t want to accept the need to change or maybe I’m just in a state of frustration. Frustration sets in when I feel as if I am working on everything and getting nowhere. I return to expecting the world to provide my happiness and when it fails I convince myself there is something wrong with me, which happens to be a half-truth. There is a problem and it lies within my way of thinking.
Once we become aware of our tendency to regress into self-pity we can begin to work on it. We begin to realize that beating ourselves up and drawing out the negative in situations is not helping us at all. For so many years feeling sorry for ourselves has been a habit, to break away from it has become a struggle. We must make ourselves conscious of our behavior and fight to change it. We may argue with ourselves and try to rationalize our self-pity, but soon the realization will hit us that the only thing self-pity leads to is depression.
Through counseling I was able to get to know myself. I became aware of why I behaved in certain ways and where that behavior would lead me. Although I was knowledgeable that my actions were unhealthy I still found myself repeating them over and over again before a lesson was learned. It is hard to accept the need to change even when it is staring us right in the face. So, we find that, at times, we take the longer and harder road which seems to run straight through what feels like hell.
The self-pity parties were just the beginning of a chain reaction. They would lead to depression which would lead to finding consolation in any way possible way while ignoring reality. I could find contentment in a bowl of ice-cream or a television program. At times even, both. I was aware television was the worst thing for me to watch when feeling depressed but most of the time I did it anyway. It was easier to veg out than to try and figure out what was bothering me.
What did I create reality to be this week? Having a boyfriend, going to school, or my writing? I would always find myself saying “I will be happy when… I am a sophomore, my bills are paid off, when I am published etc. Then I will be able to find out who I am. Then I will have an identity. For now, I will just settle for a crisis.
A crisis was something I am familiar with since I have built them most of my life and have mastered turning any event into one. Building a crisis is a good way to avoid progress. A self-made crisis leads in the direction you choose, for the most part. Progress, however, leads to the known. To let go and allow God to lead us in the direction He chooses means to R.S.V.P no to the self-pity parties. It means running towards success and away from momentary satisfaction. It means confronting what is bothering you.
We may find that we have achieved great accomplishments in our growth but are still struggling to stay away from the things that only bring momentary satisfaction. To do so we must put limits on our behavior. We must consciously stop ourselves from regressing. If our behavior is leading us away from progress, then we must choose not to go there. In order to do this internal boundaries need to be built. I know, easier said than done. But if we start out small we will find it isn’t so difficult. By small I mean pick a situation in your life, that occurs often, that you don’t like how you react to. Now think of a positive way to react to it and decide to do it when the situation happens. Put your best effort forward in following through with this. Don’t be hard on yourself if you forget or neglect to practice your decision. Because your awareness of this, in itself, is a step towards growth.
Internal boundaries are important because once we begin to work on ourselves it is easy to become self-abusive. We begin to see change in ourselves and want to continue to grow. It is easy to beat ourselves up and be overly hard on ourselves. Internal boundaries allow us to be human. They allow us to make mistakes. They bring us to the point where we can see our negative behavior and accept it for the moment. Instead of calling ourselves names or being overwhelmed with guilt we realize something needs to be worked on and we make the decision to do so. Internally the boundaries call our positive sides forth to fight and don’t allow our negative sides to take over. We need to be disciplined with ourselves and eventually healthy behavior will become a habit.
If we condition ourselves to talk positively when feeling inadequate we won’t become overwhelmed with frustration. We need to recognize that our moments of insecurity will eventually pass. If we don’t realize this then we find ourselves heading towards depression via self-pity. Fighting self-pity can be hard but it is a must because it only leads to regression. Things may look bleak at certain ties but reflect on the progress that has been made and continue to focus on the goal of happiness.
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