You are experiencing a heartache most people can’t understand. Divorce is painful. Being left by someone you love is torture. You question what you did wrong, how you could have fixed things, could you have done better, and the big question why was I not enough? It feels like all is wrong with the world and it has been flipped upside down. Everything you wanted and dreamed off has been ripped from your hands. You wanted to be a wife and mother. You wanted a family of four with a dad in the house. You wanted a future that included “us” together. No one can fix the pain you feel. No one can lessen it or make it go away. This is your journey. It doesn’t seem like it right now but someday you will realize this was the best gift you could have ever received. A man that can put you through this pain is not a man that can adult. He is not a man that can love another human being with unconditional love. He can not love himself. He can’t give what he doesn’t have the ability to give.
I have learned I don’t just need faith in God but unconditional trust. No matter where He takes me, what I go through I must trust unconditionally trust He has a plan and it is a really good plan. He wants to bring someone into my life that will love me, truly love me and enjoy being with me. But He can’t until it is time.
God brings good out of everything. There is a bright side and a shadow side. He uses that shadow side to grow us and to help us find our footing. There is good in that shadow side. We can find joy there. You are in the shadow side. It is where the pain knocks you on your ass. You heart literally aches. Time is a bit slower. You feel like you are doing it all on your own. You feel alone. You are not alone. God is always with you. That ache in your heart is a reminder of your capacity to love. Your heart is big and kind. It opened itself up to another human being.
We are made up of mind, body and spirit. You heart is a crucial piece of that body. It will be the last to heal. It heals as you take care of your mind and your spirit. Lean into God. Lean and cling if you must. Spend time with Him so He can fill in the gaps. Be kind to yourself. Watch what your mind is thinking. If your thoughts are judgmental or mean thoughts question them. Be thankful. Make lists of the blessings you have. God is surrounding you with love and support. These thoughts of gratitude help build a strong foundation for those days where you just don’t know how you can go on. Let your heart feel what it feels. Never question your heart. It will grow and move on, but it needs time. Accept love and give love, but guard your heart when it comes to him.
God loves Him and wants what is best for him. Do not get in the way of God’s work. This means at times we must make tough decisions, loving decisions. These decisions don’t feel good, but they are necessary.
This journey is hard. You will ebb and flow. You will feel pushed and pulled by him. But as you grow and heal that push/pull will lessen. As you build boundaries and find your voice you will stand firm and know what you want. It takes time. We are not healed overnight. We move forward slowly. God handles us gently and He never gives us more than we can handle. He may bend us, but He will not break us. It may seem like we are about to break but again in that moment trust God and lean in.
Ask for help. Let others know how you need help. What can they do for you?. In the midst of my journey I constantly reminded myself to take it one day at a time. What can I handle today? How can I make baby steps forward?
I am still on this journey. I have hit year 3. It is much better than year 1 and 2. Today I focus on being present in today. Not looking back and not looking forward to the future and certainly not trying to figure it out or understand it. I am happy, really happy. I love my kids. I love my family.
I often say I choose God, I choose me and I choose my kids. I choose them in that order. God is the core of my being, my ultimate reality. I choose me. I picture the directions the flight attendants give before take-off. If the cabin should lose pressure during flight you are to put the mask on yourself before helping anyone else, your children. I must take care of me first. I take care of myself spiritually by choosing God daily, going to church, praying daily and talking to Him all day long. I take care of my body by exercising and eating right, most days. I take care of my mind by doing The Work. I question my thoughts. I am working on thinking clean. If the thought doesn’t have a positive purpose it isn’t a clean thought, it isn’t healthy for my mind and must be pushed aside. I take care of all three by going on retreats, getting together with friends, laughing, giving to others and allowing myself to feel sadness without judgement. I choose my children by being present for them. I have tried to make decisions in the last two years based on their needs. I was always worried about their emotional survival. I felt I was holding my breath at times. Now in year three I can let go a lot and not try to fix everything. I choose my children by letting them have their feelings and listening to them. They struggle with their father. That is OK. I don’t own that struggle. I choose God, me and the kids by letting go of what I thought was supposed to be and just letting it be. Let it be. It will work out. Let it be and do the hard work. It is hard work. It is hard to look at the ugly inside yourself, your marriage and what it created for your family dynamic. It is hard to love your ex spouse where they are at and know you get nothing in return for that and that is what is best for you.
God's got this! You got this! You will get through this.
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