Sometimes Alleluia

The song Sometimes Alleluia by Chuck Girard has always been one of my favorites. It is a song that played in my home often while I was growing up. It was a song I listened to in times of rejoicing and times of despair. It was a reminder to me that Jesus was present. Today I look at the song with a little more meaning. It has come to have more depth to me.

Two years ago I started on a path of self-growth. I didn’t choose it. I was thrown into it. It wasn’t a slow and gentle descent. No it was a jump into the deep end of the ocean. I was thrown into the fire of pain. I am not sure pain is the right description. I am not sure anything can describe that raw pain that leaves you in a fight to survive. You question everything that was and is. It feels like the end and at the same time the beginning. Nothing is the same and everything feels exposed. All becomes a battlefield.

My plunge into self-growth began with the end of a 20 year marriage. Legally it was 18 years. But I say 20 because from the moment I realized I loved this man I was all in. I wasn’t going anywhere. I don’t say that to be praised. Obviously I should have stepped back a bit and given myself time. But there was just something I adored about him. Because of that I feared losing him. I feared who I would be without him. I feared the pain that would come if he left. I truly believed I wouldn’t survive.

A lot happens in 20 years. I grew in so many ways and closed myself off in so many more. With him I grew into a woman, I became a wife, a mom and I lost myself. I don’t blame him for the part of me losing myself. I take full responsibility for that. In no way do I plan to cast blame. There is no need to. It does no good.

The best decision I made at the beginning of this two years was to totally allow myself to feel everything. I allowed myself to cry when I needed to cry, which was pretty much 2-3 times a day for 8 months. I allowed myself to scream when ever I needed to and to just be. I allowed myself to be where I was. Sometimes my sister would have to remind me to not push myself beyond where I was actually at. If I was sad she would remind me it was ok to be sad. Be sad.

I never knew how much the heart could literally ache. When I say ache I don’t mean a dull pain I mean an intense pain you think you will never get over. My heart had been broken. My home, this man, I loved so much left me. He was disappearing for months, maybe years, before my eyes. I tried to make him happy and just couldn’t see he was leaving in pieces. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t enough. Over the years I had closed off parts of myself to protect myself but always believed it would get better. This was just a spell. We were just having a moment.

But he opened the door to let someone else into his life, our life, and she would promise to be his everything. It gutted our family, it tore me a part. It ruined his relationship with his son and through it all I held a hope, a tiny glimmer of hope, that God would heal him and bring him home to me.

But God doesn’t always give us what we want. He gives us what we need. He doesn’t always give us an Alleluia. Sometimes Gently Singing he heals us. It isn’t what we expect it to look like. It is messy and painful, so painful. He knows how much to push us and when to pull back. He knows when to reveal a truth and when to hold back until we are ready. Gently He guides us. Gently He whispers and nudges us in the directions we need to go.

I can’t explain the immense pain I endured while separating my soul from his. Because essentially that is what divorce is a separation not just of two people but of two souls. A separation of all the memories, stories, inside-jokes, families, habits and just simple moments. A separation of all you thought would be and believed in. I believed we were one, two halves of a whole. I was his half no more. I was replaced. She became his half and it happened so easily.

I wouldn’t have survived these past two years without fully submerging myself in Christ. I couldn’t have survived without my two beautiful children my amazing family and all my wonderful friends. These people were my Alleluia! Just when I needed it I would find my Sometimes Alleluia in them, in church, in quiet moments on my couch during morning devotionals and many times in night-time conversations and laughter with my precious children.

What I learned from this is

1. Lean on God. Give it all to Him.

2. Healing takes time,

3. You won’t understand everything. There are things you will understand in time and there are things you will just have to leave in God’s hands.

4. Trust God. He truly knows what He is doing and what is best.

5. It will definitely get better. Don’t expect it to be all better in a month, a year or even two years. It gets better gradually. Your journey is your journey and it will be different than everyone else’s. Two years ago I sat in front of my counselor and she assured me I would be ok. I looked at her and thought to myself, “She is so full of shit.” But it does get better and it truly did.

6. Talking about it is ok. You talk about it because you need to get the pain out. The more you deal with the pain the less you will feel the need to share the story.

7. Forgive! It will do you wonders. I forgive him. I had to actively forgive him and actively pray to forgive him. Some days daily. Someday I hope it is full forgiveness.

8. Pray! Praying changes you. It doesn’t change others. It gives you grace and softens you. Pray in desperation, in praise and in absolute numbness. Just pray.

9. Do Good! When you can’t take the pain turn to God and ask Him who you can help. Do good for someone else. You have the ability to understand this immense pain. How can you help give someone else hope?

10. Exercise. Get out a move. You can be sad taking a walk as easily as you can sitting on a couch or lying in bed. Go out and meet God in nature.

11. Set Boundaries

12. Say what you need. For a long time I couldn’t hear about other people’s divorce stories. I would listen and feel like at least my ex wasn’t that bad. It didn’t help. I had to learn to ask people not to share those stories. I also didn’t want to hear about their husbands and what a great time they had or even the fight they had. I felt like at least you still have him. It was like a knife going into my heart.

13. You can’t change the past. Stop saying I should have or if only I had. There is no going back.

14. Let Go! Actively work on letting go a piece at a time. It is challenging but when you are at the lowest is the best time to fight the battle. It is like a bully. You have to stand up to it at your lowest point and in doing so you make the most progress.

15. Be firm with yourself. It is ok to feel the pain. It really is. It is even necessary but you have to move forward at some point. You have to see progress. You have to Let Go.

16. Give it two years. It will keep getting better as time goes on. The pain dulls. He stopped being the first thing I thought of every morning when I woke up. I stopped crying about him every night.

17. Triggers- There will be many triggers. The power they have over you will deplete. In the beginning a trigger would cause me to stop in my tracks. As time went on I learned to deal with them and question them.

18. Question your thoughts.

19. It is ok to not want to see him. It is probably best to not see him. Limit communication. Don’t read into any communication on his part.

20. Be Happy. You can still be happy while dealing with all the chaos and pain.

21. Healing is not a moment. It is a process. Embrace the process. There are so many signs you are healing. I started to eat again. I was able to work. My brain started to function. Really for a long time I was in a fog and couldn’t think. I felt like I lost my ability to work like I use to. I couldn’t strategize. My interests started to return. I had to remember I had 20 years of healing to work through. In one moment 20 years was ripped from my life.

22. Adultery is wrong on every level. There are no excuses. Someone can leave because they are unhappy. But leaving for another person is just selfish. Leaving for another person when children are involved is extremely selfish and cruel.

23. Children have to come first. There security and safety are the priority.

24. Be Thankful. God finds a way to bring good out of everything. Be thankful for the big things as well as those small things. There are many in each day.